Wormhole Report #17

Planet InvestigationThe Pale Blue Dot
Investigator: smolin9
Target Planet: The Pale Blue Dot
Date Investigator Assigned: 12.19.18.11.11

Investigation Scope:
The investigation will focus on the suitability of the target planet for colonisation. The objective of the investigation is to determine the credibility of the referral source (Jimmy Carter, Voyager 1).

Investigator Diary 12.19.19.6.16:

Plains, Georgia

polkingbeal67: This is polkingbeal67 reporting from the Pale Blue Dot. I don’t know where smolin9 is.
smolin9: I’m here.
polkingbeal67: You’re late. Where’ve you been?
smolin9: You remember Melinda?
polkingbeal67: Oh help. The earthling woman you nearly married?
smolin9: Yes. We’re getting back together and we’re… you know, going to get married again. Well, not married again. You know what I mean. I know you don’t approve, but I still think it could be a defining moment in our alliance with this planet.
polkingbeal67: Defining moment? I’d define the moment as demented, cracked, crazy, preposterous, screwball. And please remember I’m exercising a great deal of restraint here.
smolin9: So you’re slowly coming round to the idea?
polkingbeal67: You crazy prokaryote! I said restraint, not consent!
smolin9: There’s a problem anyway. We may not be able to get married.
polkingbeal67: Interesting. Why not? Not that I’m encouraging you or anything, but it should be easy enough. You meet her father, offer him six goats and a microwocky. Job done.
smolin9: Well, there’s the physiological incompatibility thing. I mean our biological responses to each other are so, y’know, so irregular.
polkingbeal67: What biological responses? I trust you’re not contemplating any kind of primitive carnal intimacy? What, without a test tube? I had low expectations of you, but this is just… Oh help. What will our revered leader say?
smolin9: No, no, not carnal … whatever. But, as you know, earthlings rely on their sensory neurons and we use telesthesia. And when Melinda touches me, my energy field emits copious quantities of ammonium sulfide. The aroma of bad eggs hangs around for hours. Kind of ruins the mood.
polkingbeal67: Well, let that be a lesson to you. I’ve always said feelings are like chemicals.
smolin9: The more you excite them, the more animated you get?
polkingbeal67: No, the more you analyse them, the worse they smell.
smolin9: Well, anyway, what have you been up to? I haven’t seen you since the last report.
polkingbeal67: While you’ve been enjoying your smelly liaisons, I’ve been putting this project back on the front foot.
smolin9: You’ve been doing things back to front?
polkingbeal67: I found Jimmy Carter and discovered he’s no longer President of the earthlings.
smolin9: So the objective of our mission is rendered null and void? We have no one to negotiate with? Your idea of being on the front foot is clearly at odds with mine. Anyway, why didn’t you take me with you?
polkingbeal67: There are times when you’ve just got to act on your own initiative and work independently without the input of your peers.
smolin9: Well, did you speak to him?
polkingbeal67: No point whatsoever. I’m so disappointed in him. Where’s the grand palace with its guards and white elephants and golden statues? This so-called earthling leader lives in a little single-storey structure in a pitiful little one-horse town called Plains, Georgia. He lives there anonymously with his wife Rosalynn. Just an anonymous couple in an anonymous house in an anonymous street that goes pretty much nowhere at all. The two of them sit together, anonymously promoting human rights. They hold hands a lot, teach Sunday School, publish poetry, memoirs and children’s books. Anonymously pathetic.
smolin9: I don’t know. He sounds like a really nice earthling.
polkingbeal67: Nice? Come on. What sort of leader is that? What would he have done if his planet had been invaded by hostile goopmutts? Apparently, during his term of office, he didn’t fire a single bullet. Never went to war. Never dropped a bomb. Never killed a single person. A completely dismal record.
smolin9: Doesn’t that sound like someone you can negotiate with? I still think I’d like him.
polkingbeal67: Bubblehead! War is its own reward. History shows you have to fight to achieve anything. Even peace. You really need to rediscover your dark side, smolin9. Well, now we’ve got to find the new leader and threaten him with the most despicable acts of violence. Then we’ll barter with him and discuss our people colonising his planet. By the way, where’s my tangy vitalmados pill? We left two of them here after the last report. One each. I’ve been really looking forward to it.
smolin9: Ah, yes. Well, y’know, there are times when you’ve just got to act on your own initiative and work independently without the input of your peers. I never lost my dark side. Keep the wormhole open.

 

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Is Nick Clegg sitting on the cake?

 “The one sure way to conciliate a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.”
Konrad Adenauer

Two of the key bargaining chips emerging from the Coalition Government as it struggles to adjust to life after the honeymoon period are Lords reform and constituency boundary changes.

Under the terms of David Cameron’s original deal with Nick Clegg, it’s believed that Tory MPs promised to facilitate the AV referendum in return for Lib Dems enabling the review of constituency boundaries. It now appears that the serpentine Lib Dems, unhappy with the size of their bit of cake following the referendum debacle, are linking boundary review with the delivery of an elected House of Lords.

The Lords reform bill was squeezed into the Queen’s Speech but Labour MPs are planning to align themselves with Tory rebels in disrupting its progress. And if the bill does not go through, the Lib Dems are likely to sabotage boundary review. When Cameron arrives at the table for his slice of cake, he may well find Nick Clegg sitting on it!

Such an outcome would be disastrous for Cameron as the existing system of constituency electorates is severely biased against the Conservatives. At the 2005 general election, Tony Blair was returned as Prime Minister, with Labour commanding 36 per cent of the popular vote compared to the Conservatives’ 33 per cent. This translated into 355 Labour seats and 198 Tory! In fact, in England the Tories won the popular vote but still ended up with 91 fewer MPs than Labour!

We may never get to a point where each vote has equal weight, but democracy should look fairer than this. In negotiations between the Coalition partners, David Cameron should regard boundary review as much more than a mere bargaining chip. It should be a showstopper.

Posted in Opinion Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Good planets are hard to find

The media is whipping up anti-muslim and anti-jewish sentiments today as it focuses on an article in the Veterinary Record by Professor Bill Reilly, ex-president of the British Veterinary Association. Controversially suggesting that some abattoirs might be refusing to stun animals simply to cut costs, Prof Reilly wrote: “In my view, the current situation is not acceptable and, if we cannot eliminate non-stunning, we need to keep it to the minimum. This means restricting the use of halal and kosher meat to those communities that require it for their religious beliefs and, where possible, convincing them of the acceptability of the stunned alternatives.”

Kosher and halal methods of slaughtering animals involve the use of a sharp knife to make a swift, deep incision that cuts the jugular vein, carotid artery and windpipe, leaving the spinal cord intact. The animal is then hung upside-down to drain the blood. According to Prof Reilly, this breaches legal requirements because it causes significant pain, fear and distress.

Jews and Muslims would take issue with this. They would insist that the haemorrhage is rapid and involves a quick loss of blood pressure. The brain is immediately starved of blood and there is no time for the animal to feel any pain. Indeed, tests carried out by Professor Wilhelm Schulze and others at the University of Veterinary Medicine in Germany, involving electrodes surgically implanted on the skulls of sheep and calves, appear to bear this out. Prof Schulze concluded: “The slaughter in the form of ritual cut is, if carried out properly, painless in sheep and calves according to the EEG recordings.”

However, the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations and the Humane Society International (HSI) have reservations about this. Both organisations have voiced their concerns about unnecessary pain being inflicted when animals slaughtered in accordance with kosher and halal principles are inadequately restrained.

A Mail on Sunday investigation towards the end of 2010 criticised Sainsbury’s, Tesco, Somerfield, the Co-op, Waitrose and Marks and Spencer for selling halal meat without necessarily marking it as such on the packaging. Many chain restaurants, such as Nando’s and KFC, were also found to be passing off ritually slaughtered meat to the general public without advertising the fact. There is currently no legal requirement to indicate the method of slaughter on food labels.

A civilised society must avoid inflicting unnecessary suffering on animals. Farming animals for food production does not exempt us from that obligation. If anything, it should make it all the more compelling. “Halal” is an Arabic word meaning “lawful” or “permissible”. The United Nations should commission a scientific study into animal slaughter and make a definitive ruling as to what methods are “lawful” and “permissible”, based purely on the welfare of animals, with absolutely no exceptions for religious affiliation. Until such a ruling is made, all food from animals should be labelled indicating the method of slaughter, raising the profile of the issue and encouraging people to make up their own minds.

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Posted in Good planets are hard to find, Opinion Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Woke up, fell out of bed …


Woke up, fell out of bed ...
Aaaaargh!

France 24, Friday 4 May 2012
Thursday saw Prime Minister David Cameron’s Conservatives receive a bruising by a discontented electorate…Edward Munch’s famous painting “The Scream” fetched $120 million at Sotheby’s in New York.

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Posted in Humour Tagged , , ,

Woke up, fell out of bed …


Woke up, fell out of bed ...
Heavy rain across Britain despite the hosepipe ban

Daily Telegraph, Friday 27 April 2012
Flood alerts could be introduced in parts of Britain over the coming days despite the country facing its most severe water shortage for a generation, experts have warned.

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Posted in Nonsense, Woke up, fell out of bed ... Tagged , ,

Red kites – what a carrion!

This week, a red kite twice tried to snatch a woman’s dog as she walked in fields near her home in the Cookham area of Berkshire. She managed to scare it off, but the incident raises the issue of whether or not the reintroduction of these birds, beautiful as they undoubtedly are, has been the success the RSPB claims.

Red kites were reintroduced to the Chilterns in 1989 and there are now more than 600 breeding pairs. The RSPB and local conservation groups have been continually trying to convince landowners, gamekeepers and members of the public that the birds pose no threat to livestock, game birds or pets.

The RSPB’s media manager, Gemma Butlin, insists red kites subsist on worms and carrion. “I’ve never heard of a case of a kite taking a pet rabbit or guinea pig to date,” she said. “They are big for a kite to take and there are much easier meals around in the countryside.” Describing the attacks as “very unusual”, she added: “Red kites are opportunistic hunters and they feed mostly on dead animals…They are not designed to catch agile prey, and are much better suited to scavenging for carrion.”

Carrion? Red kites will eat whatever they’re carryin’! They are primarily, but not exclusively, scavengers. The reintroduction has not been thought through properly and the RSPB and their conservationist friends should come clean about it.

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Posted in Good planets are hard to find, Opinion Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Wormhole Report #16

Planet InvestigationThe Pale Blue Dot
Investigator: smolin9
Target Planet: The Pale Blue Dot
Date Investigator Assigned: 12.19.18.11.11

Investigation Scope:
The investigation will focus on the suitability of the target planet for colonisation. The objective of the investigation is to determine the credibility of the referral source (Jimmy Carter, Voyager 1).

Investigator Diary 12.19.19.5.18:

smolin9 polkingbeal67

polkingbeal67: This is polkingbeal67 reporting back to the mother planet from the Pale Blue Dot.
smolin9: And me.
polkingbeal67: And you?
smolin9: I’m also reporting back. I was here before you, remember? I’m the one who did all the groundwork, patiently studying the life-forms and building up a network of useful contacts before you came blundering on the scene in full battle-dress and no cloaking device, terrifying two humans and a dog walking in the park!
polkingbeal67: That was no dog. It was a mutant goopmutt.
smolin9: What do you mean? Of course it was a dog! It had five toes on its forefeet and four toes on its hind feet, with non-retractile claws. It was a domesticated carnivorous mammal of the family Canidae. It had a tail and it barked. It was a dog!
polkingbeal67: It growled and bared its teeth, just like a goopmutt.
smolin9: That’s what dogs do when they’re scared.
polkingbeal67: You crazy prokaryote! It was a mutant goopmutt! Let me explain to you. If it was just a dog, why did the humans worship it?
smolin9: What?
polkingbeal67: They followed behind and collected its excrement. If that’s not worship, I don’t know what is!
smolin9: You thought it was a mutant goopmutt, eh? Is that why you ran away?
polkingbeal67: May I remind you that you ran too? In fact, you ran first.
smolin9: I’m scared of dogs!
polkingbeal67: You would never have outrun it anyway.
smolin9: I didn’t need to outrun it.
polkingbeal67: Why not?
smolin9: I only needed to outrun you.
polkingbeal67: Eh? Anyway, it was ridiculous – two proud warriors from Morys Minor running in abject terror from a mutant goopmutt!
smolin9: Dog.
polkingbeal67: Whatever.
smolin9: Well, what I want to know is – why did it just keel over and die like that? You never told me. What did it die of?
polkingbeal67: Oh, nothing serious.
smolin9: Nothing serious? It died, didn’t it? I think that makes it quite serious for the dog.
polkingbeal67: Goopmutt.
smolin9: Did you shoot it?
polkingbeal67: What? Of course not. Er, I used mind control. Have you never heard of psychological warfare?
smolin9: You can’t actually physically kill something using psychological weapons!
polkingbeal67: Bubblehead! I didn’t use mind control on the goopmutt. I used it on you.
smolin9: Me?
polkingbeal67: Yes. I fooled you into believing it was dead.
smolin9: What?!
polkingbeal67: Okay, okay, I shot it! It kept coming up behind me and sniffing me!
smolin9: I expect it was only trying to worship you!
polkingbeal67: Okay, signing off. Keep the wormhole open.

 

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Posted in Humour, Wormhole Reports Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Moral dilemma #12

A group of people are exploring a cave a little way up a cliff on the coast. The tide turns and the cave starts to fill with water. The mouth of the cave is very narrow and the first person to clamber out is a very fat woman who manages to get totally stuck. As the cave fills with water, it becomes clear that all of them will drown, except the fat woman, whose head is out of the cave. Curiously, one of the group has some dynamite – enough to remove the woman from the mouth of the cave. There is no other way to get her loose, but this will inevitably kill her. If they don’t use the dynamite, everyone else will drown.

Should they use the dynamite to dislodge the woman?



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Breivik and the blame game

This post is intentionally short as I believe it is morally deleterious to engage in immoderate debate over the actions of Anders Behring Breivik.

Breivik, currently on trial for murdering 77 people during a three hour killing spree in Norway, has our attention and he is revelling in it. His various claims, especially the assertion that he had been trying to “save Norway and western Europe from cultural Marxism and a Muslim takeover”, have exercised the minds of commentators all over the globe.

We should guard against dignifying Breivik’s rants with any response that threatens to deviate one iota away from condemnation. It might be fascinating to construct a narrative, but it should not be allowed to blur his acts of terror.

Posted in Opinion Tagged , , , ,

Woke up, fell out of bed …


Woke up, fell out of bed ...
Footballers tweeting too much?

Daily Telegraph, Monday 16 April 2012
How Twitter has transformed football…From Ashley Young’s unpopular testing of Newton’s theory of gravity at Old Trafford to some Chelsea fans’ ugly chants and Juan Mata’s ‘ghost goal’ at Wembley, Sunday demonstrated graphically how much the match-going experience has been transformed by the social-networking revolution.

The Guardian, Sunday 15 April 2012
Joey Barton, known for his violence both on and off the pitch, met suspicion when he began to tweet about everything from the FA to Nietzsche.

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