Planet Investigation
Investigator: smolin9
Target Planet: The Pale Blue Dot
Date Investigator Assigned: 12.19.18.11.11
Investigation Scope:
The investigation will focus on the suitability of the target planet for colonisation. The objective of the investigation is to determine the credibility of the referral source (Jimmy Carter, Voyager 1).
Investigator Diary 12.19.19.6.16:
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| polkingbeal67: | This is polkingbeal67 reporting from the Pale Blue Dot. I don’t know where smolin9 is. | |
| smolin9: | I’m here. | |
| polkingbeal67: | You’re late. Where’ve you been? | |
| smolin9: | You remember Melinda? | |
| polkingbeal67: | Oh help. The earthling woman you nearly married? | |
| smolin9: | Yes. We’re getting back together and we’re… you know, going to get married again. Well, not married again. You know what I mean. I know you don’t approve, but I still think it could be a defining moment in our alliance with this planet. | |
| polkingbeal67: | Defining moment? I’d define the moment as demented, cracked, crazy, preposterous, screwball. And please remember I’m exercising a great deal of restraint here. | |
| smolin9: | So you’re slowly coming round to the idea? | |
| polkingbeal67: | You crazy prokaryote! I said restraint, not consent! | |
| smolin9: | There’s a problem anyway. We may not be able to get married. | |
| polkingbeal67: | Interesting. Why not? Not that I’m encouraging you or anything, but it should be easy enough. You meet her father, offer him six goats and a microwocky. Job done. | |
| smolin9: | Well, there’s the physiological incompatibility thing. I mean our biological responses to each other are so, y’know, so irregular. | |
| polkingbeal67: | What biological responses? I trust you’re not contemplating any kind of primitive carnal intimacy? What, without a test tube? I had low expectations of you, but this is just… Oh help. What will our revered leader say? | |
| smolin9: | No, no, not carnal … whatever. But, as you know, earthlings rely on their sensory neurons and we use telesthesia. And when Melinda touches me, my energy field emits copious quantities of ammonium sulfide. The aroma of bad eggs hangs around for hours. Kind of ruins the mood. | |
| polkingbeal67: | Well, let that be a lesson to you. I’ve always said feelings are like chemicals. | |
| smolin9: | The more you excite them, the more animated you get? | |
| polkingbeal67: | No, the more you analyse them, the worse they smell. | |
| smolin9: | Well, anyway, what have you been up to? I haven’t seen you since the last report. | |
| polkingbeal67: | While you’ve been enjoying your smelly liaisons, I’ve been putting this project back on the front foot. | |
| smolin9: | You’ve been doing things back to front? | |
| polkingbeal67: | I found Jimmy Carter and discovered he’s no longer President of the earthlings. | |
| smolin9: | So the objective of our mission is rendered null and void? We have no one to negotiate with? Your idea of being on the front foot is clearly at odds with mine. Anyway, why didn’t you take me with you? | |
| polkingbeal67: | There are times when you’ve just got to act on your own initiative and work independently without the input of your peers. | |
| smolin9: | Well, did you speak to him? | |
| polkingbeal67: | No point whatsoever. I’m so disappointed in him. Where’s the grand palace with its guards and white elephants and golden statues? This so-called earthling leader lives in a little single-storey structure in a pitiful little one-horse town called Plains, Georgia. He lives there anonymously with his wife Rosalynn. Just an anonymous couple in an anonymous house in an anonymous street that goes pretty much nowhere at all. The two of them sit together, anonymously promoting human rights. They hold hands a lot, teach Sunday School, publish poetry, memoirs and children’s books. Anonymously pathetic. | |
| smolin9: | I don’t know. He sounds like a really nice earthling. | |
| polkingbeal67: | Nice? Come on. What sort of leader is that? What would he have done if his planet had been invaded by hostile goopmutts? Apparently, during his term of office, he didn’t fire a single bullet. Never went to war. Never dropped a bomb. Never killed a single person. A completely dismal record. | |
| smolin9: | Doesn’t that sound like someone you can negotiate with? I still think I’d like him. | |
| polkingbeal67: | Bubblehead! War is its own reward. History shows you have to fight to achieve anything. Even peace. You really need to rediscover your dark side, smolin9. Well, now we’ve got to find the new leader and threaten him with the most despicable acts of violence. Then we’ll barter with him and discuss our people colonising his planet. By the way, where’s my tangy vitalmados pill? We left two of them here after the last report. One each. I’ve been really looking forward to it. | |
| smolin9: | Ah, yes. Well, y’know, there are times when you’ve just got to act on your own initiative and work independently without the input of your peers. I never lost my dark side. Keep the wormhole open. | |
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Keeping both feet on the ground while the mind takes a leap in the dark.
(Please visit again soon. I'll keep the wormhole open.)
